• Vaquireo’s surgical delivery reaches an operatic high-note
• Messi again, like a big Hawaiian surfer… but he doesn’t get his hair wet
• He softens the hard corners of our lives, just by watching him (about Messi)
• This kid could fill the Grand Canyon with his class

• Ray Hudson confuses Barca’s Borjan with a beautiful woman.

• “It’s Riquelme, man, it’ll always be Riquelme … Heinze jumps up like Rudolf Nureyev, beautiful, stabs it home but it’s Riquelme, man, it looks impossible like pouring a pint of beer into a shot glass, not for Riquelme, magic.”

• “A concerto goal by Lionel. Sweet, sweet music …”

• “A concert pianist, with his feet.”

• “The rhapsody of football continues. Even when they’re penalties, they’re painted with a beautiful stroke of genius. It’s framed beautifully by the goal and the Picasso of modern football that sees things in a different dimension to the mere humans. He lives not in the tactical book, not in anything that is painted from A to B, Riquelme doesn’t live there, don’t look for him with the simplicity of football because he’s an expressionist even on his penalty kicks.”

• “The two heroes that are going to have the showdown like Doc Holliday and Wyatt Earp at the OK Corral …”

• “They were on the same side, weren’t they? Never mind …”

• “Matador. Look at him, so languid, look at him walking. He’s like a big, beautiful zombie, Riquelme, like a big, beautiful zombie. He just strolls around languid like, like smoke off a cigarette, you know. And then he jump out and just draw your blood.”

• “Tidal wave, Rubik’s cube football by the albiceleste.”

• Phil to Raymond… “Dangerous play … or would that be way too harsh?
• Raymond to Phil… “I’ll punch you.”

• “His men have been sent out there to get up Riquelme’s nose like two big corks up, one up each nostril.”

• “Samba boys dancing, twinkletoes, Dopey goes ballistic, Dopey goes disco …”

Post Game

• “That is an absolutely existential pass by Elano.”

So, is Riquelme called Riquelme, Romy, Roman, Juan Roman Riquelme or Ricky?! Only Raymond knows!

Stay tuned… there’s more coming

• “Teardrops the size of pineapple chunks!”

• “Braver than a bull fighter with no knickers on!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=499TYSKaxKY

Uruguay vs Peru, June 26th

• “They’re all stroking theirselves now saying ‘vamanos Peru’.”

Athletic Bilbao vs Levante, June 17th

• “That fulcrum will be swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other”

Barcelona vs Getafe, May 26th

• Abbondanzieri has got the invisible shield like Captain Kirk with that starship or whatever it is he flies around in, he had the space shield up there …”

• “It wouldn’t get any more exciting here now if Elvis himself showed up in a matador’s outfit.”

• “They’re just like Christians in the old coliseum, they’re just playing around the dead bodies.”

Recreativo Huelva vs Real Madrid, May 20th

• “Well, that’s a beautiful explanation of it word for word, Phil. I’ll put it one word – Bloody magic.”

• “Heartbreak turns into sheer delight, orgasmic jubilation, Iker goes ballistic, this goal heavenly, if you doubted this wasn’t destiny believe it now, Roberto Carlos turns from goat to superhero …”

• “I’ve no more words, I cannot express this because you’re gonna have to invent a new language in English …”

Valencia vs Real Zaragoza, May 13th

• “The world is his oyster and he’s got pearls for feet.”

Real Madrid vs Espanyol, May 12th

• “The shocking football that we’ve see on GolTV in the last couple of weeks, there’s something in the air, man, there’s something going on in the universe.”

• “But they capitalised on it like a big werewolf with a plate of liver in front of it.”

• “The Argentine delivers for Capello, sending this crowd into orgasm. There’ll be a lot of amore going on in the beds of Real Madrid tonight, let me tell you, and the aftershave will be flowing …”

Getafe vs Barcelona. May 10th

• “It keeps you a young man, doesn’t it, it’s the game that will keep you living young and you look at these faces, there’ll be a lot of old men in there, there’ll be a lot of grandmothers, and they are getting the thrills of their lives, this is orgasmic stuff by Getafe …”

Real Madrid vs Sevilla, May 6th

• “Poor, poor header. He attacks it well, he sees it coming all day, he l loses his marker here, barreling in, it’s a good jackknife header …”

• “This is an absolute flamethrower of a shot with perfection stamped all over it. This is the Koh-i-Noor diamond of strikes …”

•  “He couldn’t help himself, just had, basically, an orgasm after he scored.”

• “There should be a Mozart requiem conducted and put together for Guti after this performance.”

Real Sociedad vs Barcelona, May 5th

• “Again, the surgical stabbing knife of Ronaldinho does the damage, Phil.”

• “Is this onside? You’re darn tootin’ it’s onside, keep your flag down señor.”

• “Little Rivas, one-man battleship.”

• “Gave him a wedgie and he’s still running.”

• “Tattoo on his tongue, Puyol, it’s all Barcelona crest as well.”

Athletic Bilbao vs Real Madrid, April 29th

• “The complete article for me … holds it up so well … tremendous player in the air, passes the ball beautifully short over distance … he’s greyhound-quick …. and he scores goals, you can’t ask for much more … plus he’s Dutch which is even bigger benefit.”

Barcelona vs Levante, April 29th

• “More often than not, you’re coming into the lion’s den, men, you gotta put your shield up and you’ve gotta defend yourself with some long spears.”

• “I just cannot … fathom … what colour the sky must be like in your world, Phil.”

• “It’s the confidence of a football team is predicated around not just winning but in able to hit the net.”

Valencia vs Recreativo Huelva, April 28th

• “Sublime football, streaking in, lifts his beautiful head, sees his beautiful team-mate, this is a beautiful goal.”

Villareal vs Barcelona, April 22

• “ Barcelona were like a three pound chicken trying to lay a four pound egg …. just constipated in front of goal.”

Valencia vs Sevilla, April 15th

• “Ah, the blood’s flowing … that’s alright, that should be on the inside of his head of course so that’s not a good sign …”

Racing Santander vs Real Madrid, April 14th

• “This is Twilight Zone football again, man, there’s all sorts of calamity mistakes going on in both penalty boxes.”

• “Let’s remember, this Racing team have got fangs in their heads.”

• “Well he could have took this down and had … he coulda … made paella by the time he … shot this one at goal, look at the space that he gets he’s open in a cow’s field …”

Mexico vs Argentina, July 11th

• ‘It’s Riquelme, man, it’ll always be Riquelme … Heinze jumps up like Rudolf Nureyev, beautiful, stabs it home but it’s Riquelme, man, it looks impossible like pouring a pint of beer into a shot glass, not for Riquelme, magic.”

• How do you describe magic? How do you describe this? It’s virtually impossible. Roman applauds, the ball’s dished off for Tevez, Tevez is begging for it back, Messi sees, I see you, mate, I don’t need you, watch it, perfect pass by Tevez, Tevez is on for the square ball for the tap in, Lionel says no, I fancy a little bit of Roman in the night. He picks one out of Riquelme’s genius book. Messi produces the rainbow and there’s a pot of gold at the end of it, that is absolutely pure class in a glass.”

• “A concerto goal by Lionel. Sweet, sweet music ….”

• “Concert pianist, with his feet.”

• “The rhapsody of football continues. Even when they’re penalties, they’re painted with a beautiful stroke of genius. It’s framed beautifully by the goal and the Picasso of modern football that sees things in a different dimension to the mere humans. He lives not in the tactical book, not in anything that is painted from A to B, Riquelme doesn’t live there, don’t look for him with the simplicity of football because he’s an expressionist even on his penalty kicks.”

• “The two heroes that are going to have the showdown like Doc Holliday and Wyatt Earp at the OK Corral …”

• “They were on the same side, weren’t they? Never mind …”

• “Matador. Look at him, so languid, look at him walking. He’s like a big, beautiful zombie, Riquelme, like a big, beautiful zombie. He just strolls around languid like, like smoke off a cigarette, you know. And then he jump out and just draw your blood.”

• “Tidal wave, Rubik’s cube football by the albiceleste.”

Uruguay vs Brazil, July 10th

• “This isn’t Girls Gone Wild, it’s Uruguay Gone Wild. Forlan does beautiful, great streaking hurtful run. Again, beautiful build-up, they were threatening and we were announcing it.”

Argentina vs Peru, July 8th

• “Here you see him, trickier than a monkey up a monkey tree.”

• “But it’s an absolute flamethrower from the magic man himself, look at this, it’s an absolutely laser beam … from the Picasso of Argentinian football, Boca Juniors hero, Argentinia god, Roman Riquelme, man, you can bottle him up for a length of time, but then he will hurt you …”

• “What an absolute scientific goal again, and it’s Riquelme who is the Einstein of it, this is a beautiful move of the highest world-class order, stand up, get out of your sofas and applaud if you’re a football fan because the poets just wrote a sonnet to all of us … look at that ball, are you kidding me? It splits open four white shirts, and little Lionel, look at this again, oh my lord, that is vision personified …”

• “Get down on your hands and knees and thank us all for giving you the pictures of an absolute artisan of the modern game … he’s Einstein man, he’s from the stars, just love him, anybody who doesn’t see it I really truly feel sorry for you, Phil, really I do.”

Chile vs Brazil, July 7th

• “Julio Baptista, hotter than South Beach, what a Jalapeño hit this is, fabulous build-up by Brazil, Dunga goes disco, beautiful, steered, spanked shot, kisses the back post …”

• “Robinho impersonating Robin Hood, gets his arrow out, and he hits the bullseye …”

• “Josué, as lively as a cheerleader after a big pot of coffee, Cuban coffee, Brazilian coffee …”

Athletic Bilbao vs Levante, June 17th

• “That fulcrum will be swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other …”

Uruguay vs Peru, June 26th

• “They’re all stroking theirselves now saying ‘vamanos Peru’.”

Barcelona vs Getafe, May 26th

• “Abbondanzieri has got the invisible shield like Captain Kirk with that starship or whatever it is he flies around in, he had the space shield up there …”

• “It wouldn’t get any more exciting here now if Elvis himself showed up in a matador’s outfit.”

• “They’re just like Christians in the old coliseum, they’re just playing around the dead bodies.”

I now have a footballing stoker! Top class!

• “Look at him, so languid, look at him walking, he’s like a big beautiful zombie, a big beautiful zombie. Riquelme. He just strolls around languidly like smoke off a cigarette, and then he’ll jump out and just draw your blood”.

Read on for unbridled merriment & mirth that only The Great Geordie can deliva…

• “A Cerebral Dictator” (in reference to Riquelme)

• “Rubik’s Cube Football” (exemplifying Argentina’s footballing prowess)

• “It’s Squeaky Bum Time” (just prior to Brazil & Uruguay’s semi-final penalty shootout)