Numancia 24 Jan, 2008

  • Vaquireo’s surgical delivery reaches an operatic high-note
  • Messi again, like a big Hawaiian surfer… but he doesn’t get his hair wet
  • He softens the hard corners of our lives, just by watching him (about Messi)
  • This kid could fill the Grand Canyon with his class
  • “I’m telling you man, this kid could be the best thing on two legs since Sophia Loren.”
  • Ray Hudson confuses Barca’s Borjan with a beautiful woman.
  • “How do you describe magic? How do you describe this? It’s virtually impossible. Roman applauds, the ball’s dished off for Tevez, Tevez is begging for it back, Messi sees, I see you, mate, I don’t need you, watch it, perfect pass by Tevez, Tevez is on for the square ball for the tap in, Lionel says no, I fancy a little bit of Roman in the night. He picks one out of Riquelme’s genius book. Messi produces the rainbow and there’s a pot of gold at the end of it, that is absolutely pure class in a glass.”
  • “It’s Riquelme, man, it’ll always be Riquelme … Heinze jumps up like Rudolf Nureyev, beautiful, stabs it home but it’s Riquelme, man, it looks impossible like pouring a pint of beer into a shot glass, not for Riquelme, magic.”
  • “A concerto goal by Lionel. Sweet, sweet music …”

  • “A concert pianist, with his feet.”

  • “The rhapsody of football continues. Even when they’re penalties, they’re painted with a beautiful stroke of genius. It’s framed beautifully by the goal and the Picasso of modern football that sees things in a different dimension to the mere humans. He lives not in the tactical book, not in anything that is painted from A to B, Riquelme doesn’t live there, don’t look for him with the simplicity of football because he’s an expressionist even on his penalty kicks.”

  • “The two heroes that are going to have the showdown like Doc Holliday and Wyatt Earp at the OK Corral …”

  • “They were on the same side, weren’t they? Never mind …”

  • “Matador. Look at him, so languid, look at him walking. He’s like a big, beautiful zombie, Riquelme, like a big, beautiful zombie. He just strolls around languid like, like smoke off a cigarette, you know. And then he jump out and just draw your blood.”

  • “Tidal wave, Rubik’s cube football by the albiceleste.”
  • Phil to Raymond… “Dangerous play … or would that be way too harsh?
  • Raymond to Phil “I’ll punch you.”


  • “His men have been sent out there to get up Riquelme’s nose like two big corks up, one up each nostril.”

  • “Samba boys dancing, twinkletoes, Dopey goes ballistic, Dopey goes disco …”

Post Game

  • “That is an absolutely existential pass by Elano.”

So, is Riquelme called Riquelme, Romy, Roman, Juan Roman Riquelme or Ricky?! Only Raymond knows!

Stay tuned… there’s more coming

Pearls from Real Madrid v. Mallorca June 17th.

  • “Teardrops the size of pineapple chunks!”
  • “Braver than a bull fighter with no knickers on!”

The Copa Final looms today so fasten your seatbelts as Ray will proove to be relentless as eva tudaay. Riquelme Orgasmatron with Messi et all ensues not to mention Brazilian erectile opportunities! Set phasers to stun!

From The Summer of Love …

Uruguay vs Peru, June 26th

  • “They’re all stroking theirselves now saying ‘vamanos Peru’.”

Athletic Bilbao vs Levante, June 17th

  • “That fulcrum will be swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other”

Barcelona vs Getafe, May 26th

  • Abbondanzieri has got the invisible shield like Captain Kirk with that starship or whatever it is he flies around in, he had the space shield up there …”
  • “It wouldn’t get any more exciting here now if Elvis himself showed up in a matador’s outfit.”
  • “They’re just like Christians in the old coliseum, they’re just playing around the dead bodies.”

Recreativo Huelva vs Real Madrid, May 20th

  • “Well, that’s a beautiful explanation of it word for word, Phil. I’ll put it one word – Bloody magic.”
  • “Heartbreak turns into sheer delight, orgasmic jubilation, Iker goes ballistic, this goal heavenly, if you doubted this wasn’t destiny believe it now, Roberto Carlos turns from goat to superhero …”
  • “I’ve no more words, I cannot express this because you’re gonna have to invent a new language in English …”

Valencia vs Real Zaragoza, May 13th

  • “The world is his oyster and he’s got pearls for feet.”

Real Madrid vs Espanyol, May 12th

  • “The shocking football that we’ve see on GolTV in the last couple of weeks, there’s something in the air, man, there’s something going on in the universe.”
  • “But they capitalised on it like a big werewolf with a plate of liver in front of it.”
  • “The Argentine delivers for Capello, sending this crowd into orgasm. There’ll be a lot of amore going on in the beds of Real Madrid tonight, let me tell you, and the aftershave will be flowing …”

Getafe vs Barcelona. May 10th

  • “It keeps you a young man, doesn’t it, it’s the game that will keep you living young and you look at these faces, there’ll be a lot of old men in there, there’ll be a lot of grandmothers, and they are getting the thrills of their lives, this is orgasmic stuff by Getafe …”

Real Madrid vs Sevilla, May 6th

  • “Poor, poor header. He attacks it well, he sees it coming all day, he l loses his marker here, barreling in, it’s a good jackknife header …”
  • “This is an absolute flamethrower of a shot with perfection stamped all over it. This is the Koh-i-Noor diamond of strikes …”
  •  “He couldn’t help himself, just had, basically, an orgasm after he scored.”
  • “There should be a Mozart requiem conducted and put together for Guti after this performance.”

Real Sociedad vs Barcelona, May 5th

  • “Again, the surgical stabbing knife of Ronaldinho does the damage, Phil.”
  • “Is this onside? You’re darn tootin’ it’s onside, keep your flag down señor.”
  • “Little Rivas, one-man battleship.”
  • “Gave him a wedgie and he’s still running.”
  • “Tattoo on his tongue, Puyol, it’s all Barcelona crest as well.”

Athletic Bilbao vs Real Madrid, April 29th

  • “The complete article for me … holds it up so well … tremendous player in the air, passes the ball beautifully short over distance … he’s greyhound-quick …. and he scores goals, you can’t ask for much more … plus he’s Dutch which is even bigger benefit.”

Barcelona vs Levante, April 29th

  • “More often than not, you’re coming into the lion’s den, men, you gotta put your shield up and you’ve gotta defend yourself with some long spears.”
  • “I just cannot … fathom … what colour the sky must be like in your world, Phil.”
  • “It’s the confidence of a football team is predicated around not just winning but in able to hit the net.”

Valencia vs Recreativo Huelva, April 28th

  • “Sublime football, streaking in, lifts his beautiful head, sees his beautiful team-mate, this is a beautiful goal.”

Villareal vs Barcelona, April 22

  • “ Barcelona were like a three pound chicken trying to lay a four pound egg …. just constipated in front of goal.”

Valencia vs Sevilla, April 15th

  • “Ah, the blood’s flowing … that’s alright, that should be on the inside of his head of course so that’s not a good sign …”

Racing Santander vs Real Madrid, April 14th

  • “This is Twilight Zone football again, man, there’s all sorts of calamity mistakes going on in both penalty boxes.”
  • “Let’s remember, this Racing team have got fangs in their heads.”
  • “Well he could have took this down and had … he coulda … made paella by the time he … shot this one at goal, look at the space that he gets he’s open in a cow’s field …”