The Bard of Footballing Telly has no peers… & here are some Classic Quootes & some proof positive to get you started!

Please send in your RayQuootes to rayhudsonisapoeticgenius@gmail.com

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  • (A player with the ball slips on near the touchline) “Ay! The crowd is gonna think there’s a sniper on the roof after that one!”
  • “Ay-yihay!” reaction to a beautiful female spectator with tight blouse being displayed onscreen during July 4, 2007 Copa America match between Brazil and Ecuador.
  • “He was an easy target for the cynics- Well eat crow, cynics!” -On Ronaldo’s rebirth at AC Milan
  • “He’ll be happy as a dog with two tails to get a point.”
  • “We had just strung like 17 passes together, beautiful silky soccer, and I turn around and see a guy yawning in the crowd. I wanted to jump over the fence and head-butt him.”
  • “This team was as dangerous as my grandmother knitting a quilt.”
  • “I mean, it’s astounding. An absolutely incredible, miraculous situation that Rangers are champions now of Scotland. It was drama at its absolute all-time greatest. I mean, two goals within the last two minutes of the game to rob Celtic. Celtic choked right at the end; Rangers are dancing the jig, and eating the haggis until it comes out their ears, followed by whisky shots straightaway after the game, and it’s marvelous for McLeish. I’m a Rangers man myself, so I had a good belt of whisky after that game.”
  • “Congratulations, Seamus Malin — you ugly man. Oh, come on, you didn’t think he got (in the Soccer Hall of Fame) on his looks, did you?”
  • “If Bestie were still around, he’d have Ronaldinho opening beer bottles with those teeth of his. Oh, come on, he didn’t get the (FIFA World Player of the Year) award on his looks!”
  • “The England fans were singing ‘God Save the Queen,’ and I was shouting, ‘God save the rest of us if that’s what we’re going to have to watch throughout this tournament.’ “
  • “Bruce Arena has to pick these boys up by their jockstraps and put lobsters in their jockstraps because they went down like flies against the Czech Republic, how humiliating to have that happen to a team that was coming out to the world scene seeking respect. What a joke!”
  • “Ronaldo is looking less like Homer Simpson every day.”
  • “The brown ale will be flowing down the streets of Middlesbrough in vats!”
  • “Look at the angle. Look at the distance. That is absolutely exquisite. Dynamite finish. It’s extraordinario! It’s magnifico! When you see it again from this angle, it will take your breath away. It’s postage-stamp delivery by a player that is as good going the other way defensively than he is going forward. You cannot give a higher compliment to an absolutely wonderful player who is at the absolute apex of his game! Look at that for confidence! That’s world class! That’s Zidane, beyond belief! That’s an absolute exquisite footballer — MVP, no question. Magnifico! Extraordinario! That should be in high definition! That wasn’t just literature, that was Shakespearan beauty! Ah, God, I’m sorry, I love that guy. If I could love a man, it’d be Dwayne DeRosario!”
  • “With Switzerland, it’s not just about Toblerones and cuckoo clocks anymore.”
  • “That’s orgasmic!”
  • “Genius, genius, genius. Absolutely superb strike. And look, not a smile! What makes this guy smile? I mean, come on, Román, give us a look, give us a smile, baby. I mean, is there anything more exquisite in life than watching this man play football? Look at this! Perfection. […] That is an orgasmic goal, Phil. We said he treats them like penalties — that’s what he does. Enjoy him while you can, enjoy him at the World Cup next year when he’s wearing that beautiful blue and white shirt for Argentina. The man is magic.”
  • “Alexi Lalas looked great, first of all, doing a great Dorian Gray impersonation. He looks younger and younger every day.”
  • “The Vikings are out; lock up the women and children, because Sweden mean business.”
  • “In The Exorcist, Satan had control of Linda Blair for most of the movie, and that didn’t work out too good in the end.”
  • “I couldn’t put it better myself, whatever the hell ‘ickybalookie’ means! That’s what happening here! Scenes of absolute jubilation for Espanyol! And for myself, impersonally, I can’t believe it! I’m not impartial today, I’m an Espanyol fan, I’d hate to say it for the Real Sociedad fans out there and for all the Alavés fans! But this is a team that would not be denied, Espanyol! They kept on hammering at the dam! They were hitting the goalposts, time after time, they kept on believing … I don’t even know who the hell scored!”
  • “It’ll be real interesting when me and dog are watching the game tonight, and we’re looking, and I’ll kick him a couple of times. The dog is going to get a couple of kicks because of the chances that I believe we missed.”
  • “We stabbed ’em right in the heart and it was beautiful!”
  • “No one gave us the lickings of a dog coming into the match, but we’ve come up with a spirit-lifting performance.”
  • “We don’t have a ruthless streak. We’re like Dracula looking at a beautiful neck and we don’t have the fangs to sink in.”
  • “Their two goals were out of Looney Tunes, weren’t they?”
  • “He needs to be on his tippy-toes, like a midget at a urinal.”
  • “We have the slushy in the cup holder. The music is playing. There are no problems, and then all hell breaks loose.”
  • “I’m higher than a hippie at Woodstock!”
  • (Hernán Crespo dribbling towards Fiorentina frame while outnumbered)”‘He’ll need help!’ (Crespo unleashes fierce near post shot, blocked by GK) ‘He’ll need help my backside!'”
  • “I’d knock him out. Bind and gag him, put him in a safe and send him to the bottom of the ocean. Then maybe I’d be able to contain him. When a kid hits stride the way he has, playing with all the confidence and verve that he has, he’s virtually indefensible in a lot of ways. You can only try to contain him. He only needs that crack in the door and he will kick it in. Clint Mathis is playing with that much ability right now.”
  • “I mean, how long is it going to take for Real Madrid to substitute. Its obviously not working out for them; for crying out loud a blind man on a galloping horse could see that! (3 minutes later Hudson sees Robinho warming up) Finally! Thank the Lord!”
  • “That’s a firecracker of a goal!” (in response to José Antonio Reyes and his free kick vs Real Sociedad)
  • “For him [Sven-Göran Eriksson] to come to the United States, you might as well have a martian. He would have a better understanding.”
  • “Because they [England] cannot play football, Lindsay! Because they are a set of neanderthals when they play the game! But in FIFA’s eyes, they’re No. 4 in the world. Caveman football! Caveman!”
  • “But I don’t know what the hell that is!” (in response to him [Morientes] putting his thumb in mouth after scoring)
  • “He [David Villa] is as lethal as a Sherman tank!”
  • “Cannavaro is running around like a three-legged giraffe out there, but it’s effective.”
  • “Ruud Van Nistelrooy says to Lilian Thuram, ‘You’re my little lollipop here tonight, mate!’ “
  • “He’s funner than a barrel of monkeys!”
  • “Brad Davis has class coming out of his earholes.”
  • “As electrifying as a hair dryer thrown into a hot tub, my friend. Absolutely breathtaking! It puts the Haitian Voodoo rattle on this one. When he finishes — oh! Like Betamax, they do not make them like him anymore! What more can you say? An extraordinary goal by an extraordinary player! That will send these people into their dreams tonight thinking of heavenly things. Absolutely bamboozles his defender with this virtuoso goal and little blondy says I wanna be like him. I doubt it very much. Look at this, gets all of his angles right, sets it up for himself. Cygan is just a spectator, looks down at him and says, ‘That’s not human.’ And it is not. It is superhuman.” — November 2006, Barcelona versus Villareal, after Ronaldinho scored a spectacular overhead kick
  • “Just like a Turkish bellydancer on a surfboard, Ronaldinho skipping through the tulips” – December 2006, Barcelona v Real Sociedad
  • “Cheekier than a monkey in a monkey tree.”
  • “You’ve gotta come up with a better coat than this when you’re out with a lady like that. What is this? A parka at Ice Station Zebra?” — December 2006, picking on a fan in the crowd spotted with a beautiful blonde during Barcelona’s match vs. Atletico Madrid
  • “Kovalenko for me was outstanding also in his football, not just his gritty performance. He’s a footballer; he’s got great feet. He’s a good link man, a great outlet, he challenges … he would stab his grandmother in the eye for another bowl of porridge.”
  • “Without penetration, it’s just masturbation, and right now, we’re playing with ourselves.”
  • “The boys in white look like they are twitching like a greyhound in the trap here, just getting the oil into their engine” — referring to Sevilla playing Mallorca on Jan. 14, 2007
  • “Let me tell you what’s going to happen. When Mr. LaVolpe goes back to Mexico — er, Argentina, where he’s from — his grandmother, his mother, and his great-grandmother will beat the crap out of him for coming out with something as stupid as that, especially after his team had their knickers pulled down, and their asses smacked and have been totally spanked right out of the park! How can he come out after being beaten fair and square, totally, and he comes out with an inane sort of statement like that? The women will take him to task!”
  • “That’s the type of goal that the coach will be really kissing the bums in the showers for scoring. That was a really nice, sweet goal.”
  • “When he’s on, it’s like a full-blown Wagnerian opera. They hit all of the beautiful notes.”
  • “If you’re a fan of MLS, and you want this game to be operated correctly, you should be rooting for Colorado Rapids to win it all. If an ugly-duckling team like this can be crowned champion at the end of the year, it might wake up this whole league and say, ‘Something’s got to be done.'”
  • “Now, what is that? Look at that! It looks like a broken window, man! Listen, if that stand was an animal, it would be a kangaroo! Look at the state of it! It’s like, it’s neither fish nor fowl! I’m not talking about the facility, the facility’s fine. The roof! Look at it! It is a joke! It looks like somebody built it like a Lego! It looks like it’s been built by two Irish carpenters that said, ‘I’ve cut it twice, and it’s still too short!’ It doesn’t fit! I mean, it looks like it’s been connected by Lego parts! It’s going to be a great facility, there’s no question, Colorado’s going to be proud of it, truly fabulous! But the roof, man. Lord, give us a proper roof!”
  • “High, wide, and ugly!” — on for a missed penalty kick
  • “Bend it like Beckham? Give me a break! He bends light!” — on a Ronaldinho free kick vs. Racing Santander
  • “I think Kanoute may have him by the chest hairs in the shower — ‘How the hell did you miss that?'”
  • “I’ll give you two words, Sven…Goran…Eriksson.” (Realizes his mistake and counts 1-2-3 with his fingers while rehearsing the name silently to himself while Lindsey Dean says, “Three words.”)
  • “The Mexicans were wounded by this loss. They were absolutely on the floor, and they couldn’t find it in themselves to go over and shake a hand. That’ll show you how bad the U.S. defeated them. It’s a compliment, in its own way. What I would have loved the United States to have done is exchange shirts with each other. That’s what they should have done. That’s what Bob should have said. ‘Lads, you know you’re not going to have your hands shook, let’s shake all of our hands, and we swap shirts, and everyone gets another American shirt.’ … The fans and people make a lot more out of it. When you’ve been in those sorts of heated battles as a player, you’re like, ‘Yeah, whatever.’ You don’t care if you don’t shake their hand. The hell with them.” — on the 2007 USA-Mexico friendly in Glendale
  • “Both sides letting fish off the hook the size of sperm whales! A sperm whale isn’t a fish, is it? It’s a mammal. But you know what I mean.”
  • “The man that launched a thousand shirt sales, it’s what they call him here” – on David Beckham
  • “The pale-faced executioner…he’s an illuminous illumination!” – Talking about Andres Iniesta
  • “Oh look at his face, all bright eyed, full of hopes and dreams that one day he’ll be the next Ronaldinho, but i’m sorry lad, there’s only one Ronaldinho”
  • “Let’s see what Golden Balls can do.” – Before David Beckham scores against Real Sociedad
  • “Ah! Look at that! That takes an unbelievable — like it hits a gopher on the head!” — after Real Betis’ Pancrate slotted a breakaway chance towards goal, only to see the ball hit a bump in the penalty area and trickle wide of the Real Madrid goal
  • “He looks like he is wearing one of those Devo wigs. I like his haircut. Slick!”
  • “Let me tell you, in Uruguay, they eat parts of the bull that you wouldn’t believe.”
  • “I don’t think this referee has ever played five minutes of a game in his life. If it was, it was with the girls. Big Abby Wambach would have had him for breakfast.”
  • “That’s just God-given talent that the boy has been blessed with, and it comes out in the heat of the battle, whether he played a minute or 100 minutes for his team. That is just pure instinctive brilliance by Bermudez, wriggling free, and then the audacity to play the ball through the legs of the player. Look at this! I mean look at this! Get out of your sofa and start applauding. That’s four defenders he’s beat. That’s going in the goal! That’s desperate defending by Costa Rica. It’s a cruel goal in the end, but man, tip your sombrero to little Bermudez, buy him a Corona. Can he legally drink a beer? I’m sending him a case of Dos Equis, either way.”
  • “Ah, Tijuana, man, that’s a great night out there when we used to play in San Diego, crossing over the border. I don’t know how the hell I got back into the country.”
  • “This referee has had no balance in his calls. Either that, or he’s just a crap ref.”
  • “Ronaldinho there, trickier than a squirrel running on a telephone wire.”
  • “Cooler than a salmon sam’ich!”
  • “Mama!”
  • “It slices, it dices, it’s Barcelona!”
  • “Eto is so sharp today he could cut himself, watch out!”
  • “This is stripping football….leaving Recreativo naked!”
  • “As I said, there’s classic games like there’s classical music… there’s orchestrators like Mozart who were above everything. Well, this game for me has been above everything. This has been one not for the ages, not for all time — beyond that! This was one you hang in the Louvre and say, ‘You want to see a football game…’, this one should be sent to the Martians and say, ‘This is what human nature can provide.’ This has been theatrical beyond belief and they’re still going at it!” — describing the final moments of the Barcelona v. Real Madrid superclassico, March 10, 2007
  • “The buck toothed Brazilian, trickier than a squirrel on a telephone wire.”
  • “Barcelona have been constipated in front of goal. It’s like a 3 pound chicken trying to lay a 4 pound egg.” — referring to Barcelona’s 2-0 defeat to Villareal on April 22, 2007.
  • “That’s toilet bowl finishing from Sevilla!”
  • “This is Alice in Blunderland finishing!” — Referring to Cottbus’ inability to finish a clear goal-scoring opportunity, May 19 2007.
  • During GOL TV games, Hudson’s most frequent saying could arguably be “Look out!” or “Ay, yi!” when he feels something extraordinary will come from the run of play.[citation needed] At times, the closed-captioning stalls when his games are on the air because the typist is unable to keep pace.
  • “Espanyol opened up Barcelona’s defense like peeling a banana,” after Espanyol took a 1-0 lead vs Barcelona when Raul Tamudo scored.
  • Late in the June 9, 2007 game, Real Madrid vs. Zaragosa, he referred to Real Madrid as having “hearts bigger than pigs”.
  • “This is beyond fiction.” – After Real Madrid scored to make it 2-2 against Real Zaragoza.
  • “It’s just a baby’s breath away.”
  • “Casillas is having an orgasm back there,” after Real Madrid tied the game 2-2 against Zaragoza
  • During the June 17th, 2007 game of Real Madrid vs. Real Mallorca:
    • “Fabio Capello! Ben Hur!”
    • “The stadium is vibrating like a guitar string!”
    • “Real Mallorca are hanging on the cliff edge by their hands! Real Madrid are on top of the cliff, jumping up and down on their hands! Stomping on their hands!”
    • “There’ll be some loving tonight in the beds of Madrid!”
    • “Reyes! braver than a bull-fighter in a tutu and high heels with no knickers on!”
    • “We’re in the land of the bull fighters! Bull fighters! That’s what Real Madrid has been all about! Staring the beast straight in the eyes!”
    • (re Tom Cruise)”…if he smelled a soccer jockstrap, he’d faint dead away!”
    • (in response to fellow GolTV commentator Phil Schoen mentioning Tom Cruise), not Rafael Nadal, “Will you stop talking about tennis players man! We’re in the land of the bullfighters. That’s what real madrid has been all about! Bullfighters! Staring the beast in the eyes! Getting the cape out. Willing them onto them! Loving the battle… loving the pain you gotta go through. Picking yourself up when you’re a goal down, and believing, and believing, when your big guns go out of the game…. there’s football with your feet and football with your heart.”
  • “We could be playing until the moon turns to cheese but if you don’t take your chances they’re never going to win,” referring to the United States 3-1 loss to Paraguay.
  • “Brazil stripped open Ecuador’s defense like opening a can of beans.”
  • “We said it would be a Chinese fire cracker. Well, it’s been lit, and it goes cracker-jack wild!”
  • “What a jalapeños finish this is.” After Baptista scores against Chile
  • “Robinho impersonating Robin Hood gets his arrow out and he hits the bull’s-eye”
  • (During a delay after play was halted due to the lights going out during the Brazil Vs. Uruguay game 7/10/07) “What are they going to have us do? Wait until the sun comes up? Hey, that’s an idea!”
  • (During the same delay) “It’s not like it’s going to get any darker! The sun’s gone to bed and the moon is up”.
  • “That goal has the American fans reaching for the second six-pack of the night!” (comment made after the 3rd goal by Paraguay during a 3-1 defeat of the USA on July 2nd, 2007
  • “I would pay to watch Riquelme hang his laundry on the line”
  • “Peru have been like Pawns in a chess game…Plagued by dominating Queen,in the shape of Riquelme. I like that one!”
  • “Recoba, the magic man with the twinkle toes and the x-ray vision.”
  • “This isn’t Girls Gone Wild, This is Uruguay Gone Wild!!” (After Sebastian Abreu scored the tying goal for Uruguay against Brazil on July 10th, 2007)
  • “…walking like a big beautiful zombie, a big beautiful zombie” -Reference to Riquelme, July 11 2007


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